


Measuring Shadows

by theshopislocal



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Divorced John, Drunken Confessions, F/M, Friends to Lovers, It's For a Case, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Miscarriage, Sherlock speaks French mid-coitus, Virgin Sherlock, abominable gay bar appellations, slight plagiarism from IT Crowd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-04
Updated: 2015-09-04
Packaged: 2018-04-18 23:53:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4724948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theshopislocal/pseuds/theshopislocal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I am given to believe that the first kiss - with a new partner or after a long duration without physical contact - is of some… emotional significance.</p>
<p>… Yyyes. Spock. What’s your point? Oh god, I don’t wanna know your point.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Measuring Shadows

 

 

For christ’s sake, are you going to be  _weird_  like this all day?

 

… Jesus, Sherlock, can we  _not_? Please? It’s Sunday, it’s before noon, I’ve not even finished my cuppa-

 

How long is it going to last?

 

How long is _what_ going to last, Sherlock? The iota of sanity I’ve got left?

 

You’re  _weird_ -

 

_You’re_  weird.

 

Why are you being _weird_ , and how long is it going to last? 

 

I-

 

No, never mind the former. I know  _precisely_  why you’re weird. Obvious.

 

Sherlock-

 

Are you truly  _that_  insecure in your sexuality that a simple  _kiss_  - a simple  _chaste_  kiss -  _for a case_  - turns you  _weird_? It’s absurd.

 

SHERL-ock. .. I am not _weird_ , and I am not  _insecure_  about  _anyth_ -

 

Back alley of a discothèque populated thirty-four percent female, sixty percent homosexual male, and six percent otherwise -

 

Gay bar. It’s called a gay bar.

 

No, it was called The White Swal-

 

_I remember_ - what it was called, Sherlock. Jesus, don’t _repeat_ -

 

Shiraz and his lackeys, oafish though they certainly were, would have known immediately that we were not patrons, as most of the other pairs occupying the alley were either snogging vigorously or approaching copulation - it was of  _tantamount_  importance that we  _blend in_ , John.

 

Yes, Sherlock. I understand, I-

 

Then  _why are you weird?_

 

_I am not weird!_ You… tosser. Look, just- … Let’s just forget about it, yeah? I won’t mention it, and you can just.. delete it, right?

 

… Certainly.

 

Fine. Good.

 

…

 

… … 

 

…  Was it unsatisfactory.

 

Oh god,  _Sherl_ -

 

Is that why you’re weir-

 

Do  _not_. Call me  _weird_. You _cock_.. And- why do you care? Christ’s sake, if anything’s-  _weird_  -

 

I have kissed seven individuals in the duration of my life - hardly a fair sample size.  While I have no personal interest in the act, it was useful in the case last night, and may require further research-

 

_Further resear_ -

 

You know I cannot stand to be abysmal at anything. 

 

Except for behaving like a normal, _human_ , person.

 

… … Hmm. Yes.

 

Shit, I didn’t- … You weren’t abysmal, Sherlock. It was.. fine. Good. Ugh. It just, you took me by surprise is all. I wasn’t.. prepared. S’not like we’ve got a codeword for it or anything.

 

I grasped your chin and looked into your face with intent. Is that not preparation enough?

 

Yeah, that’s the part I wasn’t prepared for.

 

.. Ah… 

 

… … 

 

I apologize if… if I made you uncomfortable. It wasn’t my intention. Obviously.

 

… It’s n-

 

Statistically, it is unlikely to ever happen again. I certainly never intend to return to a…  _gay bar_. The lighting and decor alone were enough to inspire nausea, let alone the wretched attendees.

 

Bit intolerant.

 

The lot was foul, not any specific sector.

 

Yeah, well… … I’m gonna run to the shop. We're out of milk. 

 

Yes.

 

… Right.

 

…

 

…

 

… ...

 

 It was… it was  _nice_. Sherlock. I- Christ… It was- nice.

 

… … ... John, you _know_ -

 

Yes, I know. I’m not- I’m not trying to- it isn’t- … It's just.. no one’s done-  _that_ … since Mary, so... if I were..  _weird_  at all - which I’m  _not_ -

 

Which you _are_.

 

-then that’s… possibly. why. Okay, I’m gonna go.

 

Probably a good idea.

 

Yup.

 

 

 

**—**

 

 

 

You’ve been separated longer than you’ve been together.

 

… Hullo to you too. Take-away for supper? Or should I-

 

You were together - in the romantic sense - for a little over a year, though you were friends beforehand. You’ve been separated for eighteen months, divorced for five.

 

Yes, I’m quite aware of my own romantic history, thank you. I’m thinking Indian, curry sounds fantas-

 

If you’ve been apart now for longer than you were together, why have you not begun to date again?

 

God, Sherlock, I’m tired and famished and I really  _reeeally_  don’t want to discuss this with you, so please,  _please_ , can we _just drop_ -

 

You’re still a reasonably young man, certainly not beyond the acceptable age range of the dull women you pull at the tedious pubs you frequent. Your masturbatory habits remain unchanged since you last lived at 221-

 

My mastur- why -  _WHY_  do you know about my - you know what? No. I’m not engaging wi-

 

Therefore, it’s unlikely the abstinence is the result of a decline in libido. 

 

_Sherlock_ -

 

I am given to believe that the first kiss - with a new partner or after a long duration without physical contact - is of some… emotional significance.

 

… Yyyes. Spock. What’s your point? Oh god, I don’t wanna know your point.

 

You said yourself that the likely cause of your weirdness-

 

Not being weird.

 

-was not having been.. _intimate_.. with someone since your ex-wife. Naturally, the question arises: why have you not been intimate with someone since-

 

Can you stop saying ‘intimate’ please. It’s … disturbing.

 

.. The word, or my saying it?

 

Either. Both. Just… Sherlock, _please_ … I don’t. Want. To  _talk_  about it. … Alright?

 

… Fine.

 

… Indian alright?

 

Fine.

 

Good.

 

 

 

**—**

 

 

 

... God’s sake.

 

That was… ridiculous.

 

… Yes, well. We are… ridiculous people… wouldn’t you say?

 

Oh, shit… I can’t breathe… How many… fuck… how many streets was that?

 

… Nineteen.

 

Bloody _hell_.

 

Yes.

 

I’ve not.. run nineteen streets… since.. bloody uni..  _Christ_.

 

… Old man.

 

Bugger off.

 

No.. Can’t move my legs… Well done, on the… Didn’t know you could throw a knife.

 

Heheh, me neither… Did you.. Did you really _bite_ that bloke?

 

Obviously.

 

Heheh heh...

 

… Incidentally.. have we any fluoride at Baker Street?

 

 

 

**—**

 

 

 

I prefer this.

 

… I beg your pardon?

 

.. This… this is.. good, and… Right, well, I prefer this. Actually.

 

..Thhhhis… ?

 

Yeah, Sherlock. This. Pitching knives at serial rapists and running twenty-

 

Nineteen.

 

-streets till I’ve got a stitch in my side. Going to Angelo’s at half one in the morning and discussing methods of  _garroting_  over gnocchi. Anderson’s face when you point out-  _brain_ -spatter on his trainers while he’s telling  _you_  not to contaminate a crime scene -  _this_ , Sherlock, I… I prefer this.

 

… I see.

 

You don’t, but.. It’s fine. I’m.. I’m where I want to be.

 

.. Are you.

 

Yess, Sherlock, I am.

 

… … You wanted a wife, children-

 

And what I  _got_  was a wet-worker and a silent ultrasound, so...

 

… John-

 

I’m _right_ \- .. where I want to be. Sherlock. 

 

... Good.

 

 

 

**—**

 

 

 

 

Hullo. You’re back early.

 

Case closed.

 

Oh? Which?

 

From last week, the drug traffickers operating out of The White Swallo-

 

Don’t - !

 

Christ’s sakes, John, it’s a  _bird_.

 

It’s  _reeally_  not though.

 

Mm. Shiraz and Co. will likely be continuing their scheme from behind bars, but.. at least it’s contained.

 

Mm..  _contained_ , yes. Unlike the _pound_ of bloodied flesh left to drip over my leftovers.

 

It needed to be exposed to the air, else the results would be invalidated.

 

Right, but did it need to be exposed to my curry?

 

It wasn’t exposed to your curry, your curry was exposed to  _it_.

 

What even  _is_  ‘it’?

 

.. A duodenum.

 

… Oooof course it is.

 

Mm. … Still where you want to be?

 

… Yes. … Idiot.

 

 

 

**—**

 

 

 

… …

 

…

 

It’s not even reached stage two, yet, John. You’re a doctor, you know there was no better time for them to have caught it.

 

They shouldn’t have had to  _catch_  it, Sherlock. It shouldn’t even  _be th-_  … She’s forty-four years old.

 

Yes, and she’s spent twenty-five of those years poisoning hers-

 

_Sherlock._

 

… It’s early, John. Very early. She’s viable.

 

… But is she, though? .. Is she really? Are-... are any of us? Really?

 

…

 

… …

 

.. Mmmno. Not really. … However,  _Watsons_ …

 

... Watsons?

 

… Watsons are resilient. Unstoppable. A .. natural force unto yourselves.

 

… … Sher-

 

She is _viable_ , John. ... And so are you.

 

… .. Don’t be a twat about it or anything, but... you know I love you, right?

 

… … Of course. I know everything.

 

Haha! Yeah… Christ, I’m hysterical.

 

A bit. This constitutes one of the few occasions where one is entitled to hysteria.

 

No, Sherlock. This is an occasion where one is entitled to  _scotch_.

 

 

 

**—**

 

 

 

 

Oh, _god_.

 

‘Oo are they?

 

Mwha?

 

The people you kissed. Y’said.. said there was seven.

 

Hmm? Oh. Nyes, seven.

 

Right. Who are they?

 

.. Mmmmummy.

 

Thas one.

 

.. Yes. Ehh.. Mrs. Hudson, ovosly. Ob-vee-us-lee.

 

S’two.

 

Janine.

 

Mm. Three.

 

Molly.

 

_Molly_? .. Oh, right. What a terrible Christmas.

 

Aren’t they all?

 

_No_. .. S’four.

 

Yes, right. Er… some woman or other for case - Margret, Maggie something? - seven-eight.. bugger,  _ten_  years ago?

 

Heheh, who’s th’old man now?

 

Still you.

 

Shuddup. That’s five.

 

Mm, then there was… the woman.

 

The woman. … Oh, _god_.  _The_  Woman? You  _kissed_  Irene Adler?

 

Mm. Well,  _she_  kissed  _me_ , but I feel it still counts.

 

She tried t’destroy you!

 

Nearly succeeded, too. Quite scintillating, that bit.

 

‘Course, right. 

 

Hmm. … Hmm. … Hmmmmm-

 

Sh’lock? .. Oi, wake up, you. We’re not finished drinking. 

 

Wha-

 

S’only six.

 

Six?

 

Yes. There’s one more.

 

Oh. Yes. Victor.

 

_Victor?_

 

Mm. Victor Trevor, at uni. He was - … clever.

 

Clever?

 

Not clever as me, but.. more than most.

 

.. You. You liked him?

 

Mm. I wanted to- wanted to be his..  _friend_ , but.. he wanted… other things.

 

.. Oh… Sorry.

 

Whatever for? He’s the one who was disappointed.

 

Well, not the only one, eh?

 

.. Hmm, no. S’pose not.

 

…

 

… … Messy.

 

Wha?

 

So  _messy_. Love. _Romance_. Just a- an awful-  _mess_. So much easier, simpler without. _Cleaner_.

 

Yeah, ‘m gettin’ that.

 

Mm.

 

‘Cept- well.

 

What.

 

Nothin’.

 

What?

 

Nothing, just- .. nothing.

 

_ Tell. Me. _

 

Ugh, it’s just.. it can be-  _nice_. .. Intimacy. It can be.. pleasant. Or-or amazing, sometimes. Occasionally even..

 

What.

 

I dunno. Earth-shattering? Guess that’s the term people use.

 

Earth-shattering? Shattering the earth?

 

Hmm.

 

Thought _I_ was the only one who wanted to do that.

 

Haaa, ‘f that were true, you’d be out of a job.

 

Mmyes.

 

…

 

… …

 

… ‘r you a virgin?

 

…

 

Sherlock?

 

…

 

Ugh. Lightweight.

 

 

 

**—**

 

 

 

… How long are you going to be weird _this_ time?

 

Didn’t you say that was- what was it - “statistically unlikely to happen again”?

 

Yes, “unlikely”, not “impossible”.

 

We could have hid behind the bins.

 

_You_ could have hid behind the bins. _I_ am over six feet tall.

 

You’re _one_ _inch_ over six feet tall.

 

Be that as it may-

 

You did it on purpose, didn’t you?

 

.. Well, it certainly wasn’t an accident. How would _that_ work?

 

Not the- _kissing_ , you prat, the _deciding_ to kiss.

 

There was no other option, we would have been-

 

We could have hid behind the bins.

 

But-

 

We _could_ \- have hid behind the bins.

 

… … So are you going to be _weird_ or not?

 

Ugh, I dunno, Sherlock, probably.

 

…

 

… …

 

.. Still where you want to be?

 

… Stupid question.

 

 

 

**—**

 

 

 

.. I’ve never- I-

 

I know, it’s fine, it’s all fi-

 

No, I- I’ve never done th-

 

I know, Sherlock. I know. It’s - _ohfuckinghell_ \- it’s fine.

 

I - _oohhh, what are you_ \- I won’t- won't be very -

 

You’re fine, Sherlock, just - _yeeess_ \- you’re fine, you’re - oh, god - you’re fucking _perfect_.

 

-I don’t know wh-

 

Just - ahh ah - stop, stop talking.

 

…

 

.. Ffff-

 

.. Is that- ?

 

… Yes, yes, yesyes - it’s - _mother of g-_

 

Ahhh, _wh-wh-_

 

…

 

… …

 

.. C-come on.. come on, that’s it, that’s-

 

… I-I can’t, I - no, I can’t-

 

You _can_. You _are_. Oh, god, Sherlock, you _are_ -

 

.. Oh, I-I.. I c-ca-

 

Yesyes, keep- keep-

 

I-

 

Yesssss…

 

… I- I- John, please- _please_ -

 

I have you, I’ve got y- 

 

John-

 

It’s me, Sherlock, it’s _me_ , love-

 

-Oh, god. Oh, oh, _je je-_

 

Wha-? Oh, god, oh, Sher-

 

I can’t, _j-_

 

That’s it, _there_ , you’re _there_ , love-

 

_J-je ne peux pas p-penser, je- je_

 

Wh- ? .. Oh my _God_. Oh _ffffuck_.

 

_Je t-tombe, j-j- s’il te plaît, il se- se_

 

_Yeeesss-_

 

_Il se brise, je ne peux- je ne peux pas-_

 

Oh, fuck, I _adore_ you, Sherlock Hol-

 

_Besoin_ -

 

… .. Ah ah oooh. _Fuuuuuck_.

 

Oh, ho, oh… … _Oh_.

 

 

 

**—**

 

 

 

 

.. What are you doing?

 

Hmm? Oh. Measuring shadows.

 

Right. Why?

 

Confirming a hypothesis.

 

Oh?

 

Mm. It is impossible to shatter the earth using only vigorous sex. Based on the shadows, we’ve not even dislodged it from orbit.

 

… … Did you know you speak French during sex?

 

... How would I?

 

It’s lovely. Well… I guess, “hot” might be more accurate. Heheh.

 

Ugh. Deplorable youth nomenclature.

 

Hmm.

 

… .. You’re not going to be _weird_ now, are you?

 

_You’re_ the weird one.

 

Hmm… And-.. and you’re still where-

 

_Right_ \- where I want to be.

 

…

 

… … 

 

.. John?

 

Mm?

 

We’re still _never_ going back to The White Swallow.

 

God _damn_ it, Sherlock.

 

~*~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> My first published work. Written in about three hours at the goddamned crack of dawn. Not beta'd or brit-picked. You can thank (or despise) google translate for the French bits. Ten points to the Netflix-jockeys who spotted the IT Crowd reference. 
> 
> Thanks Janna N. for the help with formatting issues. 
> 
> Comments and concrit are welcomed and adored.
> 
> xoxo,
> 
> Local


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